the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
