You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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