No awkward lesbian experiences without me
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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