I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
