I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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