My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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