new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
