I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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