I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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