He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
there is glitter all over my balls
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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