I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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