we made out on top of his cat.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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