omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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