So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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