I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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