why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
