Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
