Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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