dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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