I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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