final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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