we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
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