If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
