Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
