I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
