everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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