I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Randomize
