Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
