I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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