Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
