i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
