i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
