She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize