i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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