I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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