Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
