Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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