just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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