M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
