i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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