Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
