He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Randomize