Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
