im six kinds of drunk right now
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
