i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
