I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Randomize
