I wish my penis had an off switch
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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