Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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