New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize