I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
