i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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