i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
