i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Less talking, more tequila
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
