speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
