yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
