u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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