I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
