made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
